Always...

I'm going to go back in time for a moment and talk about Alan Rickman.  Last night I went with The Husband to see "Eye in the Sky", the last movie we will see Alan Rickman in.  It's strange.  I really didn't think I would be emotional over seeing him in his final movie (technically "Alice Through the Looking Glass" is his final movie, but we don't see him, so I'm considering this as the final one).  What I was thinking was,  yeah this is the last time I will see him on the big screen, but I have all of his movies, so it's not like I won't see him again.  So as I sat there waiting for him to appear, I was fine.  Not feeling sad at all.  Then there he was and a smile came to my face followed by a little tear in my left eye.

Now at this point I'm going to step into the TARDIS and take you back to an earlier moment I mentioned and give you some more insight into my fan-girlness.  The moment was waiting for Alan Rickman to appear on stage in London.  I sat there full of anticipation and worry.  I was determined that this would be the night that his understudy would go on and I wouldn't actually get to see him.  However, the next thing you heard was his distinct baritone voice from offstage.  A smile so big you could have seen it a mile away appeared on my face.  Then there he was walking out on to the stage.  We were sitting in the front row of the balcony and I sat forward in my seat trying to get closer (and stayed that way until the old lady behind me asked me to sit back).  As I saw him in real life for the first time, tears came to my eyes.  This had never happened before.  I was shocked but suddenly understood why all those teenage girls were crying over seeing the Backstreet Boys.  I used to laugh at them, but now I got it.  I think it was the first time in my life that I had experienced "tears of joy".

So back to present day and the movie.  As I sat watching, I tried to really take in every moment Rickman appeared on screen, really savour what I was seeing and hearing, knowing that I will never see him this big again.  A small smile would come to my face every time he appeared.  Then an hour and a half later the movie was over and the credits started to roll.  That was when on a black screen I saw "In loving memory of Alan Rickman" and I cried.  Not full on sobbing, but enough that I needed to wait a bit before we left the theatre.  Even as I type those words tears have returned to my eyes.  Why was I so sad over a person I didn't know?  I turned to the husband and said, "I don't know why I'm crying."  He said, "You met him of course it's going to hit you."  He was right.

I had often wondered what it would feel like the day I would hear that one of my obsessions had passed.  Sadly, now I know.  I didn't want to talk about that day in this blog because I legitimately felt like I had lost someone I knew.  It's crazy, but I think if you are reading this blog, you are either my friend and you already know how crazy I am, or you are someone like me and you understand what it means to be a fan.  So on that day I had received two texts from two friends asking if I was OK.  I thought that's strange.  I wondered why they were asking.  I also noticed I had a bunch of facebook notifications.  I checked the notifications and as I was crossing the street to work I read Alan Rickman had died.  My heart sank and when I walked in the door to work I immediately called my husband.  He consoled me as if I had just lost a friend.  I'm not going to lie, I was in shock.  I couldn't focus on work at all and I may have gone to my office and shed some tears.  Friends continued to text and send messages and people I hadn't spoken to for years posted comments to my facebook page.  It made me realize that I clearly talk about my obsessions way to much, but also just how much of an Alan Rickman fan I am.  There was something about him that touched my life and I clearly wanted others to experience that.  I think that's what it is when you are a passionate fan.  You love something or someone so much that you want others to know about it.  Whether it's an actor, a TV show, or a sports team fans are passionate people.  I'm a passionate person.

OK so that was a major side step from the path I was following, but I felt like I needed to share my feelings for Alan Rickman.  I have had two other actors since Alan Rickman, that I have become fanatical about.  One is Hugh Laurie, the other is Peter Capaldi.  So in my next post, I'm going to tell you about how Peter Capaldi came into my life and how my co-workers probably wish he never had.